​1. Consider yourself to be the best. You never commit mistakes. But, on the once-in-a-lifetime occasion when you do commit a mistake, work on the excuse with more rigour than you would work on a judgement in a heavily contested title suit. Your mistakes are attributable to several external factors such as poor staff, too much workload, or bad infrastructure. And if none of these excuses work, call it an oversight, because you are inherently so capable that you can never make a mistake in your right mind. But, when some other judge makes a mistake, it must be a deliberate act done with the utmost high standards of mens rea and ill-will because they are either fully incompetent or downright corrupt. Label them as such and ridicule them in all your gossip sessions with your friends.

2. Learn to play the victim card. No disposal? Blame the Police and Prosecution. Monthly statements have mistakes? Blame the staff. No civil disposal? The advocates are just not interested in producing evidence! The buck never stops with you. It kills itself before it even reaches you. You are responsible for nothing, but deserve all the credit for everything. Yes, you should claim credit for even the high numbers of admissions done in Lok Adalat, even though it was the Police who brought the accused to court and staff did all the clerical work. Because, boy, is it difficult to sign all those printed examinations and dockets!

3. Gossip a lot. Who drinks how much and what. Who talks to whom and why. Who goes where and when. Who has what support at the High Court and how they got transferred to the place of their choice. When there is a rumour about some judge doing what you think is not correct, assume the worst. Could it be a false rumour? No! Could it be that there were some special circumstances behind such a decision? Not at all! Because when a judge, other than yourselves, does something incorrectly, he must be fully blamed for it, and his blame must be broadcast to the whole world. The principle of innocent until proven guilty does not apply to judges. They are always guilty till they prove themselves to be innocent, and they shall never get an opportunity to prove that innocence. So, they are guilty. Case dismissed!

4. Become a tiger for your subordinates and a dog before your superiors. There’s nothing in between. Never talk to your staff or attenders in a normal tone. Always taunt them even when giving regular instructions. Shout at them for every small delay. If they do not listen, issue a memo faster than you would dispose of an under-trial prisoner’s case. But, when you are addressing your superiors, bow down to them with folded hands. If they allow, lick their shoes a little and wipe the dirt off their soles. And if the superiors raise their voice at you, cry foul as to how you are never given any dignity and respect. And then, follow the instructions in the third point above.

5. Never learn good English. Always say “The deceased was died”, and ask questions like, “Why I should allow the Petition?”. Are you thinking what’s wrong with these two sentences? Congratulations! You are a judge already! And if you did your schooling in Telugu medium, I’m sure you also did law in Telugu medium. You can use the Telugu medium excuse and use it as an alibi for your poor English throughout your career.

6. Treat small amounts of insignificant information as national secrets. Is the transfer committee at the High Court meeting today? What did the judges discuss? When are the promotions going to come? Find a source in B-Special section of the High Court and pester them to keep supplying such information. Now, spread that information to everyone else and feel proud that you have some ‘insider’ information. You will surely be treated as an important person because of the invaluable secret sources you possess. 

7. Feel jealous. Did another judge get praised for his good performance? Damn! How could anyone receive such praise? Condemn it and detest it! Never feel happy that one of your own brethren has done well! If you do not get any praise, no one should. Did a group of judges get promoted to the next level in six years when the same promotion took ten years for you? Haww. How can you digest this improvement of service conditions and speeding up of career growth? As an experienced and elder judge, make some comments on how the new recruits are lazy, ignorant, and lack respect. And then taunt them for getting better service conditions that you could never get. 

8. Wear all the injustices you faced as your medals of victory. Even though the salaries are much higher than those of other government officers, whine and cry about how low they are. If a junior says that he has no stenographer, remind him of your days where you worked even without a single staff member. Tell them how you were in a war-like situation and fought the battle alone, and how the new judges are snowflakes. The answer to genuine concerns of a judge is to reply with your own previous struggles and romanticize them. If you recognise those concerns and show empathy, you are a bad judge. 

9. Blame the Academy. Recall how you were made to sit in an air conditioned classroom, provided with tea and biscuits after every class, and three meals a day, while also being paid full salary simply for sitting in the classroom, sipping the tea, and having your meals. This really is the worst form of bonded labour. Never participate in the class discussions and jeer at those who do. And once this is over, return to your posting and complain about how nothing fruitful was done at the Academy. Give a sermon of your noble ideas on how to improve training at the Academy. Repeat at least ten times that the Academy does not focus on practical aspects and get everyone else to nod their heads. 

10. Use all the power you have to the maximum. When the law gives you a good amount of such power, why not use it all! Enjoy the power you feel when an accused stays standing in the corner of the court hall throughout the entire hour while witnesses are being examined. Never offer him a seat, because that will erode your power. He could be innocent, yet he’s made to go through this trial for no fault of his own. But letting him sit is a dangerous blow to your position of power. An assertive litigant must be countered with regression and a submissive accused must be stripped of their dignity. How else would they know what a judge is!

Follow these ten pointers and you shall become a good judge. Or, at the very least, you shall become the kind of judge who is firmly convinced that he already is one. 

Asad.